All the text messages, all the videos, and calls mean a lot to me. They mean a lot, but nothing if they are just a game for you. You keep telling me how unique, awesome and smart I am. I really want to believe you, but you should be able to prove all of this to me first. You should first earn my trust and show that you don't leave me like all the other guys. I have to make sure you're worthy of my love.
I don't want you to be just a layover, I don't need another brief affair. I am ready to achieve my goal, and I am ready to make you that goal. But I don't think I can take another game with my heart and feelings. I don't think I'll be able to endure another disappointment. I deserve someone who will appreciate and love me. I deserve someone who will catch me.
So please, stop making me fall in love with you. Stop promising me the blue of the sky and happy ends, stop letting me believe there is something between us even though nothing is going. I am only human. I have hopes, dreams, and feelings---feelings that are not there to play with.
I have been broken many times and now I need to be dropped by you and break the rest of me. Hold me tight in your arms, help me put the shards of my feelings back together. You know, I've been through a lot; I was bowed to the point of falling, I was manipulated, cheated and intoxicated by people whom I thought were the right ones. You know everything about me.
I have enough things with me, burst dreams and hopes, broken bones and a heart full of scars. And I suspect you're worried. So please understand when I ask you to leave me because I don't know if you are ready for all of this. I understand that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, your counterpart is unable to love you in the same way. Being in such a relationship is lonelier than being alone. Please, don't turn out to be another cup of loneliness in my life.
I wish you'd leave me now before I completely fall for you and before I give myself completely to you. But you keep chasing me. You continue to promise me years of love just to go away next week and come back next month. You promise me your support so that I can be left hanging when I need you most.
I cannot go on like that. So please stop chasing me while you're not ready to catch me. I can't go on fighting for ourselves if it feels like I'm the only one fighting. I can't go around circling all the damn walls you've built hoping you'd let me in. At some point, decisions have to be made because walls don't keep people away, they keep you trapped.
I let you into my life because I felt it was right. When are you going to do the same?
...The letter ends. Now begins the story that followed the letter.
One-sided love is really a painful experience. There is nothing worse than being in love with someone who doesn't even notice you or doesn't respond to your feelings. Unrequited love gives us a lot of heartaches and often we don't know how to get out of it.
I too was in such a situation and would like to tell you my story - and also the story of my best friend Smita - and how we dealt with this heartache.
It all started about three years ago. Mohon and I knew each other from school and stayed in touch afterward. We had an intimate friendship that has remained alive for years. At first, I only had friendly feelings for him. But after a while, I realized that I feel more for him than just friendship. But I didn't want to destroy what we have, so I tried to ignore my feelings. But my infatuation and love for him continued.
Every time we saw each other, my heart beat faster and I couldn't wait to see him. One day I put all my courage together and admitted to Mohon that I have deeper feelings for him. You can imagine how that ended, otherwise, I wouldn't write an article about one-sided love here...
The situation was a little different from that of my best friend Smita. She had been with her boyfriend Dipankar for two years when their relationship started to get tough. In the beginning, she was not very concerned, after all, there were times of crisis or problems in every respect. But somehow the problems did not diminish but piled up into a huge mountain of arguments, self-doubt, and pain. Smita just didn't want to be the only one to sacrifice herself for this relationship and put all her energy into it.
At the beginning of their relationship, everything was normal: an intense phase of falling in love where they couldn't keep their fingers apart, followed by a somewhat calmer, more stable relationship. But little by little she noticed that Dipankar doesn't bother and everything sticks to her. No more trace of great love, so Smita became unhappy and blamed herself. It was not an easy way until she finally realized that she is in a one-sided relationship and Dipankar will not return her love. When she finally drew a line and ended the relationship, the real process began: the process of the one-sided love and finding out how to deal with it.
How do you recognize one-sided love?
Depending on whether you are in a relationship with the person or whether it is a secret enthusiasm, there are some indications that show that it is a one-sided love.
He calls you his sister:
Mohon and I have been best friends for a long time. He knew all my secrets (well, except for one) and I, his. We basically shared everything with each other. And every time he wanted to introduce me to someone, he introduced me as Sadia, his good friend who is like a sister to him. I felt flattered and depressed at the same time. On the one hand, it was a great feeling to know that I was so important to him, on the other hand, it was devastating to know that these feelings were purely friendly.
My indirect attempts to flirt were also unsuccessful. Every time I tried to flirt with him, he dismissed it as fun and fooled around with me. But I wanted to be with him, so I took whatever I could get, even if it was just unrequited love.
You are never alone:
Mohon and I were very close friends, but we never really spent time alone. Of course, it happened that we were alone for a few moments by chance, but it was never planned that way. Every time I suggested that we do something or watch a movie together, he said: "Yes, that's a great idea, I'll ask the others if they have time." Of course, I longed for the time in intimate togetherness, but Mohon always found a reason why others should also be there.
Now in retrospect, when I review that time, I wonder why I was so stupid and didn't recognize the signs earlier. But the infatuation blinded my mind and I only saw everything through the pink glasses.
He tells you about his women's stories:
That was probably the most difficult thing for me at the time: listening to Mohon about his women's stories and relationship problems. Inwardly I always hoped that the relationship with the others would not work out so that I could imagine opportunities for him again. And I have to confess to you, it really hurt to listen to him over and over again, how he liked another one and what he liked so much about her. He always asked me for advice if he didn't know what to do or wanted to buy a birthday present for her.
Why couldn't he fall in love with me like that? I asked myself this question very often.
He is not jealous:
On the other hand, I didn't notice any reaction from him: when I told him about any supposed male stories, he never became jealous and didn't show that it bothered him. On the contrary - he was always very happy that I found someone for myself. Unfortunately, he didn't know at the time that I really only wanted him.
He is not listening to you:
The signs were a little different for my friend Smita since she was in a relationship with Dipankar. The first sign that he no longer loved her was the fact that he wasn't listening to her. When she told him about any problems at work or her worries about her sick mother, he listened to her half-heartedly or pretended to hear about it for the first time. Even if she tried to address the problems in their relationship and find a way to solve them, he showed no effort and left themselves alone with their problems.
He shows no interest:
At some point in her relationship, Dipankar was no longer interested in Smita and the things she liked. He did not memorize any important events, for example, he forgot an important job interview from her or her birthday. Smita kept trying to convince herself that he has a lot around his ears and cannot remember everything. She came up with excuses for each of his failures. But at some point, she had to realize that she is the only one who is investing time and energy in this relationship and that the initial mutual love has become a one-sided love.
Everything else is more important to him:
Dipankar was more of a guy who didn't know what he wanted. He said he wanted to be with Smita, but he was doing the opposite with his deeds. Everything and everyone was more important to him than she was. That was when Smita started to doubt herself. She thought she was not good enough that something was wrong with her, also she no longer felt attractive enough.
He makes no sacrifices for you, but asks you for them:
That was also a thing with Smita and Dipankar: she did everything for him and he didn't even bend a finger for her. The relationship between the two had become very unbalanced and they could no longer get out of it. It also pretty much describes a one-sided love: one side loves the other not. One would do anything for the other, the other would not.
A relationship is about giving and taking. So, both parties should both give and take. Dipankar didn't say anything about himself but always asked Smita. And yet Smita kept trying to save the relationship, but she couldn't. In the end, she had to realize that her love remains unrequited and that she has to continue on her own.
Reasons why one-sided love can no longer sound safe:
Many of us always hope that the chosen one will develop feelings for me over time and fall in love. But there are a few reasons why it is better to refrain from it and draw a line.
He has feelings for someone else:
There is simply another person in his life and there is nothing we can do about it. I also listened to Mohon's women's stories all the time and witnessed all of his relationships. He often came to me for advice and I have to honestly admit that I often wished that his relationship broke up so that I could imagine opportunities for him again. There were also situations where I deliberately did not help him because I wanted him to be there for me to come to and need my help.
So, he made me feel like I was needed. And often these were the straws that I clung to. But in the end, I had to realize that he loves someone else and that between us is only one-sided love.
He just sees you as a friend:
Many of us have probably heard this sentence. "Let's rather stay friends", "I like you, but only as a friend," Mohon said that to me too. When I finally put all my courage together and confessed my love to him, I got this sentence as an answer. I am really important to him and he doesn't want to lose me, but he only has friendly feelings for me.
It was like a slap on the face for me - which I also needed badly. Even if it hurt me, I finally knew where I was with him. Of course, it took me weeks and months before I could really let go and deal with this situation.
He does not know what he wants:
Caution is advised with such men. A man who doesn't know what he wants won't appreciate you and what you do. So did Smita: everything she did went unnoticed and was not appreciated. Dipankar didn't really know what exactly he expected from the relationship or what he wanted to do with his life. On the one hand, he wanted to be in a relationship because he enjoyed getting attention, getting into a warm home, and having someone who loves him more than anything.
On the other hand, he did not want to completely let go of his bachelor's life: he often went around the houses with buddies, came home late at night and also flirted with other women. He played his games with Smita, whether consciously or unconsciously, I cannot say. The only thing I can say is that these were all things that hurt Smita badly, but she didn't have the strength to leave him, but always believed that he would change and genuinely love her.
If he has no feelings, he will not develop either.
This is something that many have to nibble at: realizing that where there is nothing, nothing can become. If someone has no feelings for you, then he will not develop them. Smita had to learn this the hard way. She had been with Dipankar for two years when she finally realized that he felt nothing for her and would not do it. This is particularly painful because you spent a long time together and invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship.
And Dipankar? He didn't know what he wanted, he saw Smita as a pretty woman who loves him and cares for him and thought that it would work out. But it didn't.
If you notice that the partner is not doing as much effort, then you should question the situation and draw a line. One should not hold on to one-sided love in the hope that it will become more because for true love there are always two who fight for it.
Tips to get over one-sided love:
But what can you do to deal with this heartache and get over this one-sided love? The situation often seems hopeless and unfortunate, they see no way out. However, there are a few tips that I can give you that have helped me and my friend to get rid of it and continue on our path.
Don't blame yourself for failure:
That is one of the most important steps! You have to understand that you are not to blame for not having your love returned. It was the same with Smita: it wasn't because of her that the relationship failed, that she didn't make enough effort, or because of her look, character or something. It was because Dipankar didn't know what he wanted and wasn't interested in her and their relationship. Therefore, it is really important not to blame yourself for the failure of the relationship and possibly to doubt yourself.
Instead, focus on yourself and rebuild your self-confidence. Because only a person who also feels self-love can love other people!
Convert the heartache into energy:
Of course, ending a relationship or getting rid of it means a lot of pain and heartache. It is also perfectly normal to mourn, cry and maybe even wallow in self-pity with sweets on a TV evening. But at some point, you have to keep going and leave things behind. You should try to convert your heartache into energy and invest it in a hobby, for example. For myself, I signed up for a recitation class. So, I could let out all my frustration and at the same time did something for my health and kept in shape. This way I was able to control my thoughts and didn't have to think about Mohon all the time and why it didn't work with us.
Accept that it's over:
This step is particularly difficult! To admit that it is really over and there is no going back. Even if it is difficult for us, we have to organize our emotional chaos and realize that there is no common future for us. Once we have seen and accepted this, we can proceed with a clear head and are ready to get engaged in something new.
This step took the longest for Smita because she just didn't want to accept for a long time that it's really over between her and Dipankar. I can still remember how I helped her and tried to explain that she was better off without him. Again and again, she had tried to save the relationship, sacrificed herself and ended up only being injured.
One-sided love cannot be true love. And the sooner you see that the sooner you can start a new phase of life.
To stop contact:
That was the most difficult step for me personally - breaking off contact with Mohon. I knew that if I really wanted to finish with it, I would have to cut Mohon out of my life. But easier said than done. After all, we had an intimate friendship and I missed it in two ways: as a friend with whom I could talk about everything and as Mohon himself whom I loved. So, I lost both my friend and my (almost) lover.
Mohon also did not want to break the contact, although he knew that it would be strange. He often contacted me and wanted to pretend that everything was the same, but we both secretly knew that nothing was the same as before. I met with him a few more times, but every time I saw him, the pain came up and so did the unrequited love. So, I did the right thing for me and broke off contact with Mohon.
I had to do this to protect myself too, so as not to break the pain. The first week was pretty tough, I removed him from my friend list on Facebook, blocked him on WhatsApp and everywhere. And also, I didn't try to check out his profiles to see what he was doing. Smita was of great support for me during this time because she tried to change my mind all the time. And I am very grateful to her for that. After the first week was bridged, it became easier from week to week not to think about him. Two hearts broken for the same reason make the best of friends.
Sometimes a little distraction helps too! To go on an excursion, to make a trip or to fulfill unfulfilled dreams. All of these are ways to get over the heartache and process what happened.
You have to try to get some distance:
Often geographical distance helps - a week's vacation somewhere far away from where you can relax and come up with other ideas. And if there is no trip, you can also take a trip to the lake or into nature to relax a little.
This is also the perfect time to tackle new things, such as long-held dreams. Be it a hobby, a professional realization or a creative work - tackle it now! Smita and I got together and organized frequent weekend trips.
We also talked a lot about Mohon and Dipankar, but it was more on a rational level and less emotional. We have realized that whatever they are doing maybe is OK but they are not worth us and that there is surely someone out there who is just waiting to get to know us and love us.